I have decided to take a break after I noticed that my words no longer empower but hurt. If the eyes I see the world through is bleeding, there is no way, I can see its truth through my wounds. This has never happened to me. I can always wear my cloak of positivity and sunshiny “see the good in everything” vibes, regardless of whatever happened to me, but this time, I cant.
Though mom has left me after 41 years together, she left bits and pieces of her in my life, even after she’s gone. I remembered, how she and dad wrapped up a huge orangey Tagine from Morocco , as a gift for me in Singapore (cos she knew how much I loved the century old Morroccan food ). It was a beautiful surprise.
Anyway, I’ve decided to clean up my fridge, my house, my life and more, not because it’s Chinese new year, this week (me and my kids celebrate all types of worldly celebrations : Chinese New Year, Deepavali, Xmas etc even if we are not chinese, indian or western, or have any of our own traditions, we just celebrate because life is worth celebrating).
And as I cleansed the fridge, I notice 2 spices. One is sumac and the other is lemon salt. I remembered, she was excited to share these 2 spices from Mediterranean/Palestinian she found in her food travels. But I wasn’t enthusiastic. Cause I need to taste the origin first in order to cook them.
But since, it’s here, I’ve decided to give it a try. I marinated chicken wings with sumac, lemon salt, olive oil, paprika, and whatever my heart felt sync to add, and left them to marinate for hours. Ive also done a quick research on the net for the grilled recipes.
While waiting for the marination to immerse deep, I introspect…
Throughout these absence of social medias… (even though, my podcast of 3 episodes seems to expose me wildly in a different crowd, I wasn’t keen. I had been exposed to public and achieve fame before, I was not keen to go through that again. It felt that when I was on TV, or etc… many wanted to “control” the way I portray myself to the public, saying its for my best interest and brand. I discover 1000 reasons why being me wasn’t good enough. I felt like a liar. A fraud. )… I felt free.
The question that popped up then, who am I, without my mom? Who is this, Lina Masrina?
I’ve noticed I’ve done many things, with my loved ones in tow. And mom has always been part of the root of everything I’ve done. Without her, I don’t truly know why I do anything. As a Muslim, I was taught to habitual intent everything I do for the Almighty. Yes, but now, I cannot conjure up anything at all. Not sure if its bliss or just pure emptiness.
So who am I truly, without seeing myself through my mom’s eyes? Because I can never see the truth thru my mom’s eyes other than the illusion that I thought my mom wanted me to be, do or and have. Who am I, without seeking approval from mom? What are my truths without involving my mom? Who am I , without wanting to make my mom proud?
With all these illusions dissipate when she was gone, who am I , truly? Getting to know myself on a different, deeper level I’ve ever known. Our parents were like Gods to us when we were children. But with them being gone, who am I truly? No need to seek approval. No need to follow the moulds they have aspired. No need to follow their life styles or bread crumbs thrown…
I trust that Universe has in store for me wonderful miracles that awaits to be unfolded everyday. I’m a life scientist. I experiment with life because of my innate curiosity. I don’t want to do things just because, there is always something deeper in everything I do.
Back to the topic….who am I without my mother? 41 years of deep-seated illusions and beliefs to be questioned, scrambled and deleted. It’s definitely groundbreaking, foundation shaking and lava erupting of old world into new creation.
For now, as I start on this new path, I shared this question with you…
…without your loved ones, their beliefs and illusions, or even a lifetime of seeking their approvals, who are you really? If like me, a whole lifetime was invested in DOING, its time to focus on BEING.
So who are you, really?
Who is Lina Masrina? And what are her truths? (I realised that, we are constantly changing, so these are my “truths” for the moment).
I knew that, since I was young, I’m a fearless explorer. I’ve bravely stand up and skipped my crawling stage when young. Thru out my travels, I’ve seen” things that only question my current realities and expand them further.
I’m a great observer and before I can speak, I put things in my mouth to understand the world around me. I feel and explore my way and often get lost in loving arms, families and kitchens to trust that the world is safe and I’m always taken care of. I frown often cause I see a different world of truths. I push buttons because I dislike people wrapping lies to pretend, what they are not, to bullshit people, who they think, cared. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that is OK.
I’m a trendsetter because I cannot fit in. And so I create. I can be weird because I question everything and I’m not a good follower. I may understand you but you may not get a glimpse of what I’m basking in. I disappoint people often because I cannot meet their expectations or follow any blind faiths just because. I used to think God is sadist but not anymore, GOD only represent unconditional LOVE that is beyond measurable or even quantifiable or even be described.
Relationships is very challenging for me because of the excuse I give myself, I am sensitive to the energies of everything. And i work well alone (Cos as a child, I don’t know how to be amongst family and friends- if I don’t sacrifice myself to make them happy). And so, I don’t care if we are blood related, if you are toxic, and after many unsuccessful attempts to ‘detoxify” us, i will purge you out of my life, for good. I hate mindless gossips and words that attempt to hurt. If I’m in your life, that means, we each have gifts for each other, lessons to grow in life. If there is no reason, strong enough, I don’t want to inflict upon myself additional responsibilities.
Since young, my plates have been full of responsibilities, and now I knew only to take up responsibilities that truly matters, instead of wanting to be a martyr . I grew up too fast to care for my family especially my single mom, who constantly was bullied by her loved ones and surroundings. And so I learnt to be a temporary “hero” to save the damsels in distress be it animals, girls, boys, men or even women and anything in between. But being a hero to save those who don’t want to be saved is truly tough and I’ve learnt the hard way and now, I believed everyone can save their own selves without my intervention (unless requested to help in providing solutions).
I love all colors but especially turquoise. I love comfort and simple things. I dislike clutter. I travel light. I rejoice in simple happiness like being in the sun, barefooted on the sands of the beach, the feel of water, loving the sunrise, sunsets of everyday art. Loving the scent of freshly cook rice and baked bread and cookies. I believe we each can do wondrous stuff with our hands like healing, manifesting our desires, manipulating the weather, creating new stories,endings, sorrow and joys in life.
I can connect to any being, matter, spirit of anything in the Universe, if I want to. If anyone seek to find their ‘lost” heart, soul etc, I can guide them. Divine connection is easily accessible to anyone who desires.
Peace is the underlying reason I do most things. I believe we create our own world and so we carry around these “worlds” and see life through them. I believe every human, beneath it all, just wants to be loved in ways that can be seen, heard and matter. I believe in everyday miracles, magic, fantasy, teleport, multiple realities, fairies, mermaids, time travel and many more that looks good in sci-fi books and movies.
Control me and you find me being a rebel. I cannot be owned. My heart, soul need to sync in everything I do. I respect your views but that does not mean I agree. I don’t care for any compliance with any religions, social norm, status quo or etc… just to belong, look good, etc…if deep down I felt restless.
I used to put people on pedestal, but now regardless of who you are (celebrities, politicians, big shot lawyer, strangers whoever etc), I no longer give a f$%&* cos all I see are beautiful beings doing their bestest to live their lives according to what they already knew and experienced, learn/unlearn from.
I no longer judge people according to what they have achieved because, success to me is about being happy and fulfilled. And not many understood that unless they took time to rediscover and be in love with themselves.
I used to hate my body because it has been trespassed and abused. But after healing, (and still healing) I am in awe and gratitude of this beautiful womanly body. I used to hate men because they failed to fulfill my bizarre expectations I’ve accumulated thru out lives, but now I knew that they like me, are only humans, and are as vulnerable as me. And since I believe I attract what I am, as i healed these illusions, the quality of men who decorated my lives improve greatly.
I used to think all my life is to prove my existence is a good thing, a blessing, to serve, to show that I’m good, to deserve paradise in hereafter, to gain God’s approval in everything I do but now i know, everyone’s existence need no approval because it has already been approved.
It’s ok if I’m alone standing for my truths because I dare not be a wimpy coward to pretend, again. I’ve dug myself out of my own graveyard with many illusions and beliefs I thought to be true just to be stabbed over and over again by them. And now, I stand free from it all.
This is just a snippet. But I promise myself to learn, relearn or unlearn about myself…
And as for the sumac grilled chicken, it’s tangy berries fusion, with a hint of lemony scent, a great delight to my bored, everyday taste buds. Surprisingly delicious for the juicy white meat.
A reminder of the Palestine visit I had years back. I’ve tasted such grilled chicken back then. A magical visit.
It’s weird that…though mom is not around, I still felt transported to a secret world where we used to play with each other, ensuring our growth in life experiences, continues…
Thank you, mom. i love you, eternally.