Through my life, I had been living for somebody else. It took me more than a decade to work on living for myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I was taught to live only for God in my previous religious world. That is just a foundation. But to live for God, vibrantly as yourself that is a different matter altogether.
I’ve learnt in my many passages of rite towards understanding life, is that…
To live has to be for yourself. This innate fire within that gets stoke everytime you wake up knowing in gratitude that the Universe has given you another opportunity to live again. I want that again.
I want to live again. But after my mom’s passing, I don’t have a reason to live again. Knowing the Universe has my back, I felt that my kids are gonna be OK no matter what. And I cannot backtrack and use someone as an excuse to live. That is a no-go even though I’m scrambling and running out of excuses to start living joyously.
I felt food no longer excites me. Chicken felt like bleh, steaks felt like meh, everyday I felt eating is a chore. Caffeine, sweet sugary drinks, fruit juices, vege juices whatever is not helping. For the first time, I’m actually eating because of survival and not cos its an adventure.
I’m bored. This dark night can also be an introduction to my mid life crisis or menopause or its just grief. Going to 5 stars restaurant also no longer entice me.
Food shows felt like a bore even masterchef Australian (kids version) that I love so much.
Going to the supermarket no longer hold so many possibilities of magic but just an endless grovel to fulfill my responsibilities and erm, tummy.
I’ve had done online shopping till my home has no space for more. I’ve had trampoline, bicycle, electronic gadgets, new clothes to wow my next date, and many more senseless items that felt needed to be owned.
Money spent? a lot. Emptiness filled? None.
I’ve done senseless TV series binging, doing my best to be in awe of humans creativity from sci-fi favorites to gilmore girls. But it just made me more mad that humanity rather indulge itself in endless stupidity of sex, gossips and drama than expand its genius creativity to make the world a better place, mainly me.
I’ve tasted all kinds of food being the laziest bum, all apps delivery but it’s not making me feel any better.
The void cannot be filled by these frivolous spontaneity. I’ve tried being the couch potato eating icecream, snacks and anything not healthy on bed, watching 24 hour TV series and sleeping whenever wherever. Unhealthy? Yes.
But perhaps this stream of unhealthiness can cajoled me into a good start of wanting to live. It didn’t last, though. I grew sick of it in a few days.
Tried getting to know new people but somehow I burn the new relationships to the ground even before it started. Humans and relationships? Argh, it’s just too complicated.
I started dancing in my home with my own playlist, just a few days ago. I felt a bit achy as if my robot body is all rusty and need to well-oiled. It was alright. I then started a crying binge listening to sappy songs of reminding me of my past failures. It helped. I felt much lighter the next day but with swollen eyes.
But even so, I still make a habit to practice manifesting my daily miracles. Though I no longer sure what I want.
I got my tiktok account going with the help of my teens but I grew bored after I got my hundreds followers. I deactivate my FB account just to reactivate it again coz I have to log in to call of duty mobile for the Chinese New Year specials (my teens urging me to grab the new avatar).
What does a girl got to do, to start living again?
Ramblings while sabbatical.