Day 49 – the art of being authentic, conscious and abundant woman series continues….
what I feel like saying…
I have a brother. But I seldom acknowledge his existence. Because he did not honour mine.
We were witnesses to our father’s rage and some of us were abused in different ways. I felt helpless in many ways as a child, not able to help him while I was struggling to overcome my own.
Eventually that sweet child turn the closest world against him.
He became the rage monster. I grew fearful of him. Not because I was afraid of him (cos he often came to me for advices) but I have to be alert to detect the signs of his colorful temperament and emotional swings showing up unexpectedly .
Even my late mother whom he loved so much, (and had lots of hope for him) cannot help to heal his rage and wounds and had trouble keeping the peace with him.
So, how can I? How can I ever change anyone if they refuse to change themselves? But I can do my best to be a good role model and share my truth thru my eyes.
To the outside world who was not close to him, never got to see his truth, or understood his wounds.
But those who loved him very much often got scalded by his lava-ish anger.
Unlike many, I cannot ignore the truth. I cannot be my mother who had bore him, and can tolerate him all 40 years.
I knew that I have to be the one who has to tell him his truth through my eyes. I felt it is my duty, even though, the bridge between us may be burn as a result of that.
And in return of my honest opinions, what I feared, came true.
… He not only scalded me, he roared upon the world with angst.
I then felt like no one understood my kind intentions, not even my family.
Perhaps my mother did. But sometimes my step dad, may not (he was oblivious to our traumatic childhood) .
One of these unfortunate days…
He bluntly compare my kids’ loving relationship with each other and mine with my younger brother.
I felt a bit offended. No one should compare cos our childhood are different.
Of course growing in a dysfunctional family, motivates me to learn/unlearn and taught my kids the best I knew how by ensuring the opposite happens to them, right?
I felt a bit judged. This part I took it personally.
I felt as if I can never seem to understand others’ impatience to judge me.
And I seldom correct them. I rather they be silenced by my silence.
It felt like one big blur when one by one of my closest fell out of my life like flies.
It’s OK if they won’t understand.
They were never close enough to witness my life, to understand, anyway.
It’s my life. I have my principles. I have my boundaries.
So get this…
The moment you showed your true colour and acted disrespectful to me and especially in front of my kids (even after my voicing out)….
I have to start being a warrior mom. I start building armoured protective and defensive walls, and if necessary…. cut ties.
Why? I have two kids. I’m only one person who has to be the mother and father.
And there was no one protecting us. I’m the human protector. I’m the “bouncer” of our world.
When the going gets tough, the men in my family seldom show up (my belief from previous experiences, still need healing).
And I’ve kept a blind eye for many many years just cause we are linked by blood and relationship status.
But note this:
The moment, you showed to me that my love was not enough for you…
-to respect me and my boundaries and especially my kids, I have to show you the door.
I’ve witness many anger mismanagement and rage in my childhood. I don’t want my kids to witness or experienced any of it.
It’s OK, to fight each other and bled on the floor when we were teens.
(My bro and I were sent to taekwondo by our mother because we often fought with each other in words and physically.
There was one time, we used to throw furniture on each other and one hit my head.
I bled. But my Mom ignored us… (I felt so hurt cos I was fighting to defend her)
…. So I proceed to school for my speech day, while bleeding on my white uniform the next day.My grandmom took me to doctor, later.
It felt like , a some kind of reenactment of “flying things” towards mother when my birth father was mad. It was terrifying, looking back)
…. but it’s not OK, when I became an adult, especially a single mother of two kids.
I don’t want any of us to dab into the invisible line of rage and violence (we once witness as a child and acted upon as teens) .
And I felt it’s my duty as my kids’ human protector.
If anyone betrays me, alone, I can keep silent (this used to be my past but not anymore)
…. but with my kids, I will gather whatever strength I have left and walk away, leave if i must….
…. even if that means surrendering to the unknown or being homeless.
For many years, I’ve been silently tiptoeing in the mine field in my family.
Felt as if I was sacrificing myself for the peace of the family.
But the day I have my kids to protect…. I can no longer be silent.
I do whatever it takes to protect them the best I can from people that I consider “dangerous”.
I no longer accept relationship that ties only in name or blood.
I only accept relationships that can positively enhance our lives.
People often thought it was very easy for me to cut ties. It was not.
For every tie, I cut, I suffered many years including guilt and remorse. And I won’t lie, it felt inhumane and I ended up all alone.
But its OK.
I knew God is with and beside us.
My community has been very kind and loving. Truly appreciate the many kind gestures and initiatives unexpectedly with loving hearts.
I just remembered my mother’s last wish was for me to get married.
I thought about it for many nights.
I fear of hurting others. I felt that I’ve hurt enough people on this planet (another belief need healing)
How can I?
After the unsuccessful attempt of first marriage and cutting ties with everything related to it, how can I ever get married to anyone?
I told her and my step father, I will only married if the existence of another person improve our lives in many ways that I cannot.
For now, there is no reason for me to get married, unless the Divine thought otherwise. Then, I am open.
For now, I’m totally free, not bonded in any form to anyone in a conscious or unconscious relationships just because….
and happily enjoying my blissful freedom.
But mainly, my kids are safe with me.
The ramblings and confessions of a warrior mother 🙂
I cannot tell you how to run your life. I can only share what’s in mine.
Though some may say this is intimate information… I repeat my words…
This is just a story through my eyes. Nobody is good or bad. Everyone in our life is here for a purpose.
Though they may stay for a reason or a season…. Everyone has something for us to learn/unlearn (but that does not mean, we can tolerate abuse/violence).
I’m a writer.
My legacy is to see my life as one big collective experiments. And do my best to express and share, not to embarrass or insult anyone…
But to express the pain, the silence of wounded one’s, the uncomfortable topics of community, my heartfelt perspective, and whatever… so that…
You, as the reader…
See life through my eyes, feel my wounds and have the strength and courage to shine some light into your own cobwebs of bleeding wounds and hidden challenges.
And together we navigate this life and became better than before.
Together, uplifting our lives by being conscious, authentic and abundant women of the world.
And yes, men too…
(I know some of you have been secretly reading my blog. It’s OK. Sometimes, or most times, I’m just sharing my feminine side of me.
Everyone got one. If my feminity speaks and bonds to yours, then by all means, continue reading…
If my words through my experiences spur you to lead a better life, then please stay.
Make yourself comfy and read at leisure.)
Through vulnerability, an immense power is unleashed.
P. S: All experiences shared may just be stories from the past through my eyes. Every story has many sides.
I’m not a perfect, good child, person, human sometimes. I have my imperfections.
People mentioned are often kind and big hearted when not “triggered” .
They may not be the same as mentioned in stories I shared and are often already changed drastically for the better.
I share the good, bad and awesome parts of my life. Just take whatever feels right and good for you to learn and unlearn from.
Creating tribes of authentic, conscious
abundant women around the world.
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