“When someone you love dies, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time—the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes—when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever—there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.”
The trick to start standing up after grief is…
To ride the “human-made wave” ….the roller coaster…
I was mostly on the ground sometimes physically sometimes spiritually just laying there in a crouched up position after the daily routines of errands and responsibilities.
Its gonna be 2 months and I felt that I need to break out of this somber cloudy state. If not for my sake at least for my kids. They are suffering too.
So I took up on their suggestion. Bought us a 6 months pass to a roller-coaster land. I practically had to drag not just my ass but my spirit as well there.
Well the atmosphere and surroundings was too crowded. But its great after months of solitude.
It has been years since my last roller coaster ride. The last one was in Europe. And though I looked 14 (thanks Shane!), I doubt my body is, at the moment.
And so after the first “not so scary ride” but nearly broke my back, my gloomy state of doomed grief changed to fear. According to Dr. David Hawkins’ chart below, I think that is a better state than grief. Cos I was worrying about the next ride, the next trouble I was getting myself into.
Well after many rides that landed me aching all over, and heart felt like its bursting out of the chest, I was actually smiling.
My kids already experienced most rides in this place. And they were like parents watching over a child (me) trying their best not to spill the beans on the next experience. I was the first timer, the newbie.
Element of surprise are aplenty- Mommy, you are gonna drop from a height of just 30 stories (i may exaggerate but it felt that way) in super sonic speed, Surprise! ! I felt like I just came out of a wrecked car accident feeling like my body was separated into 4 different directions after that.
Well that truly kick start my everything. Body, heart, mind and soul. In fact, I got so excited that I wanted more. Hence the 6 months pass is truly appropriate (thanks kids!).
You just cannot keep being solemn, sad, angry in a public space turning, whirling, dropping, being upside down in neck breaking speed. You just can’t. I tried but I ended up letting go of these emotions and just be, in whatever roller coaster back breaking rides that may be.
And yes all that screaming, shouting and crying (yes I cried initially! Unsure if its the grief, or the biggest fright of my life) and whatever strings of words &;*%$ that came out of my mouth. But it is actually good for my system. I actually felt my “chi” starts to flow healthily.
I knew I cannot complete my grieving in a state amount of time or in the designated phases of 5/7 stages. And though I’m a certified healer and have done various modalities, I do need the occasional “tap” on the shoulder from the Universe. The tap to learn/unlearn, and understand more.
Though I knew grief was about letting go, healing, feeling fully and connecting with the body as it is also doing more than healing (It was purging) . I also had to learn to forgive fully. Not just forgive the departed one, the Almighty but also myself. That was another crucial key to grief.
To forgive myself for everything – regardless if its a list of shoulds, a neglect thingy, a misunderstanding, unable to cope, or life gets overwhelming and feels like “i- just-want – to-shut-the-world-out-and-lie – beside-my-beloved’s-grave”, like nothing matters anymore, angry at the world or for no reason at all, rampant fear of ego spreading wanting to complete one’s legacy in a hurry for fear of death’s arrival etc… And all that came in the process of grief.
And I had slumped. Really slumped. I gained more weight than ever before. And my body is the type that enjoys movement in the sun and nature. And if that was neglected, it kinda throw tantrums like a toddler. So, after this “roller-coaster therapy”, my body kinda want to eat healthy stuff and detox. I listened and followed. I felt better and lighter (perhaps, I also dumped the emotional baggage over the roller coaster rides).
I knew my mom was in a better place, seeing her peaceful smile when she departed. Remembering that, truly warms my heart. She truly looked contented as if saying- its good to be home.
It’s just, so sudden (though we had some kind of premonitions). I just cannot believe the one I truly love and been with for the longest relationship in my entire life (for now) can just be deleted just like that (I meant the physical being cos memories still reside),
The last dark night I learnt about love addiction, this one was letting go. I used to think I’m very good at letting go. Cos I’m a light traveler and it became easier to just respect and honor everyone’s role playing in my life, though we may just met.
Well, this is very hard but I will do my best to let her go, eventually.. and I know that she still resides in my heart for eternity. In fact, I just dreamt of her being happy, wherever she may be,
I love you, mom.
About The Blogger: Lina Masrina is a soul blogger, intuitive heart coach and healing facilitator. Her passion is to work with people and reconnect them to their truth: being love -authentic, peace, harmony, abundance and joyous.
She is a certified law of attraction coach, certified healing coach- Emotion code practitioner, Ho’oponopono practitioner and ATS bali healer (chieftain/kamituo). (But she is not a medium: who deal with spirits, entities and departed ones)
In her free time, she travels spontaneously; “crashing” lovingly into locals’ homes, kitchens, road trips and even weddings. She is a foodie and has eaten some bizarre meats in the world like porcupine and horseshoe crab (as long it is Halal).
Her dream is to cover all 196 countries in this lifetime. Her blog is about her everyday peeling her own masks, while exploring vulnerability and authenticity and uncovering miracles of love. She lives in Singapore. But she work both locally and internationally. Do contact her at linamasrina gmail .
Disclaimer: All sessions with Lina Masrina (healing/coaching/consultations) is not counselling, mental health care or medical care and is not intended to take the place of such care. They simply attempt to make energetic shifts in your body that may help you to have a healthier, more abundant, joyous, peaceful, loving life but this is not a medically or scientifically proven process and therefore, no guarantees of results can be given. Use all the information given (on this website/sessions) at your own risk.