Timid

I used to be very timid. If i can preserve peace and harmony in my surroundings and especially relationships, I will do whatever it takes, even foolish thing like allowing people to “step on my head”.

It was really difficult to see me angry. I will keep it in until I cannot tolerate anymore and then my anger will be unleashed to the “chosen few”-closest loved ones, i trust who loves me unconditionally.

One of the mistakes I did was thinking that marriage will change everything. I thought having a man as my hubby, he will join me in “this fight”. Or at least stand by me, stand up for or with me.

Imagine US vs the world. That was the dream before marriage. But when the US vs mother in law, the son whose mother is the topic of this battle, suddenly disappear and became invisible.

Probably he did defend me (and put good words to shine some light of love in his mother’s hatred for me), in his own quiet ways. Only God knows.

But when I got “bullied” often by mom-in-law, from hidden bullying till upfront outloud with everyone present, no one dares to side with me. Instead, they chose to “mute” our so called disagreements with other distractions (like playstation) or ignore blindly in plain sight ( i felt like a crime was being committed but no one wants to help).

Out of respect, I stood alone, silent, held back my tears (sometimes one or two will roll down), admit mistakes (though falsely accused) so she will be satisfied and end it soon.

For years, I waited for that knight I married to “rescue” me but it never happen.

Of course looking back, only the timid will attract the timid, aka ball-less.

But then looking way back, I noticed that the men in my family never fight for their women. Never really stand up for them. The women had to march in with what I called “detachable balls” to defend themselves and voice their angst.

With that, I noted…
am i doom? Will i constantly attract timid men because of this pattern?

I recalled on my 7th year, I can no longer tolerate these lies and blasphemy thrown upon me. Coincidentally, I wore my boots. Something I seldom do when visiting my in laws.

To me, boots gave me a kind of “strength” like a “bad-ass” superpower…

And for years as a homemaker, I thought that I have no say in what others thought about me. I scrambled a lot with my worthiness and low self esteem. But as I started working as a teacher and felt that I was contributing to the society, I felt confident enough to voice out my final words to my MIL (and the boots gave that extra boost of confidence)…

I was tired of waiting for someone to defend me, my honour, my “water face” and my “dignity” (or whatever was left), I decided to stand and face the bully.

I looked at her eye to eye. I voiced out the truth in my perspectives. I defended myself and “reclaim me”. Tears rolled down. I did not let that stopped me. I continued firmly and clearly. Whatever bullets she shot at me, I calmly dodged and answered her and I even voiced out her “cruelty” towards me.

She suddenly remembered that this daughter in law is educated and has qualifications. For me to be a stay at home mom took a lot of sacrifices.Probably being a homemaker like her made her think that I was meek and uneducated.

I blasted my horn and rode off in the storm… it felt cool to be the runaway renegade in my mind

But literally, I did something like that. I stepped out and never to return. But i voiced out what need to be said. And I used to be afraid of looking into her eyes but not anymore. I stood for myself. And there is no way, I’m gonna let her bully me, again.

Of course later on, I thought, who needs men, when women can do everything?

That was then. Perhaps within me, I already believed men have no balls and attract the lot.

But now, times have changed. I’ve seen drastic measures taken by men to stand by their women. Some men even do women empowerment.

Some men I knew taught women to stand up for themselves and never to lower their standards. Teach them to say no, know their boundaries and attract high calibre men as partners.

As I raise my sword to match the roaring lion within me, I noticed more and more women are coming out bold. To realise that freedom is within grasp and their cage was never locked in the first place.

Did you stand up for yourself today?
Did you face your bullies? Did you voiced out your right to be heard? Did you do whatever it takes to claim your worthiness?

If you don’t stand up for yourself, then who will? Are you waiting for a hero/heroine? Why don’t you be your own hero? What about your kids/future generations who looked up to you? Do you want them to keep on waiting for someone else to “save them”?

Sometimes we are our own enemies. And the world is just a mirror to our own atrocities.

And sometimes we got the most fucked up family that one wonder if they are actually humans (but then again, in spiritual enlighten mind, that is the job of families. Their soul contracts with us is to ensure we evolve, grow, learn/unlearn etc by pushing our buttons;)

The same goes for the “ball-less” men, if not for them, a new breed of warrior women would have not been born. And hopefully out of these warrior women, the sons who will be men someday, too will be a better breed.

*note: all these are my experiences thru my senses. People mentioned here probably has undergone major transformations (including me) and have became better people. I just hope what I voiced out inspire you in your own way of life.

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