Dark night of soul

I realised that I did not share my experience on this until recently.

i felt the need to share this because I believe its a gift from the Divine.

To me its an “acceleration” process. Its like an invisible elevator to bring you to the level you are supposed to be at.

And after that darkness, once you come out of it, nothing seems so scary anymore. Everything that seems “dark” kinda have its light with it. Its like you see the balance of it all. Instead of separation and polarity, you see the oneness.

With that being said, for me dark night of soul (dnos) is terrifying.

The darkest period of my life, its like the accumulation of all that I’ve been through including divorce, trauma, giving birth and many more “blended into one” and given to me to experience it all once, again.

This is from my experience. I understand that dark night for individuals vary…

From the outside world, I looked perfectly normal. I don’t look sad or depressed. But on the inside, I felt all sorts of torments-heart, mind, body and especially soul.

I was in so much pain that I cannot even pinpoint the location of my pain. It felt like my whole being was in pain. Check up with doctor may show nothing at all. Loved ones who understood can guide you but for those who don’t will mock you for the “imaginary soul dis-eases”.

Although I have learnt many healing modalities. They can only relieve but not heal completely. Its like a process that you must go through it all, alone. No medicine, no doctors, healers, parents, spouse etc.

I felt like I was in a quick sand of melted-molten snickers bars. It was hot, humid, gooey, uncomfortable, and definitely the more I struggle, the deeper i sank.

Its beyond depression (if you experienced post-natal depression, you will understand)… its hopeless, helplessness and end of the world jumbled into one.

But the difference between depression and dark night is that, I kept asking myself about what i am, why am I here? …and my purpose and about serving the Divine. Its weird but its true. It was not death I was worried about but LIVING the way I used to be.

Everything else just “evaporated” in its importance.

I believe that when we are too “blind” (busy caught up with being and doing according to what the world “wants us to be”)

…than answering what our deepest desires are:
-being LOVE
-speaking our truth
-doing our purpose
-being with like minded souls (our tribes) and spread love
-facing the fears, release blocks and barriers to our light (rather than seeking external factors to feed the internal endless void)
-being our most authentic selves or at least work on being one etc ….

and the world needs us now because our tribe is ready to “go home”…. and leaders, guides are needed to show up, urgently!

… and in such urgency that the Universe needs us to be the light that we are….

then, we shall be placed in such “acceleration process”. (My theory;))

When I was in dark night, I was in much fury and many agitated emotions boiled up…

… i was kicking and screaming, “lying dead” for days, and all absurd abnormal behaviours popped up…

then, thinking it was over but it popped up again and again until I “learn” …which ended up… years later (can be days, months, years and in stages, but it gets bearable after each stage).

After each stage, I see the light grew stronger and stronger.

But through it all, I have absolutely no control over it and so i relinquish my control to the divine.

There were staunch beliefs that I held strongly to (for fear God may punish me to hell if i let go) that i can no longer held onto… that was a lot of pain. There were people I looked up to and loved that I had to let go (often its the illusion i created that I needed to let go).

But believe me, once you “passed” this phase, the world looked differently to you.

You won’t be “scared” easily. It felt like a newborn warrior but mostly it felt like you came home after a long period of time. (Look into the eyes of those who had gone thru dark night and you will see an irresistable loving sparkles in their eyes, and if you look deep enough, your soul can connect to that beautiful-ness. You will feel peace, love and the “connectedness” with everything).

And fear is just a 4 letter word.

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