I grew very sappy every Ramadan.
I’m not sure if it’s the purging and healing but definitely there are something in the works.
In Ramadan, I was taught that the deceased are freed to visit their loved ones on earth. They have not transcended yet to heavens but were placed temporarily in a different realm.
There, it can be a punishing ground or play ground for some…depending on the accumulated individual good deeds done on earth.
So when Ramadan, those who were punished will be rejoiced for they have some kind of “time-off” from their “prison”.
Also i was taught that the Devil will be chained for the full month of Ramadan (my tahfiz teacher from Saudi told us that only that one TOP devilish leader called Satan. As for his accomplices, they were not chained/imprisoned.)
Anyway, I miss my grandmomma. Yes the warrior goddess I mentioned in my previous post.
My bff. She made me laugh often and taught me not to take life so seriously.
Her words were authentic and blunt and sometimes hilariously true.
Very friendly to any stranger. She will start conversing with anyone on the bus beside her. Sometimes revealing personal details about her life.
She was very open and comfy in her vulnerability.
She taught me to recite Surah Yasin twice daily as a habit. And that is the heart of Quran which i bring everywhere I travel until I memorised it.
She told me when I was a child that I will become a “Superstar” when I grew up (i don’t really understand what she meant but that makes me happy.)
Tough and yet gentle when the need arises. She balanced the masculine and feminine within her. I observed her well through out the years.
I learnt lots from her.
Truthfully, I never really knew my grandparents.
When my grandfather passed away, I was shocked and saddened that I did not really take the time to get to know him.
And I made a promise to get to know my grandmomma so I won’t make the same mistake.
So as I matured into a young adult juggling with tertiary studies and part-time job, I often visited her.
She looked very youthful and was young at heart and she loved to go out.
Every time I promise to bring her out , she will dressed up in time and put on some eyeliner for her “invisible” eyebrow, making herself pretty (she cannot withstand my tomboyish looks and dressing, often asking me to be ladylike).
And then I hang out with her good friend, do some shopping, tea time snacks and have a joyous time often sharing our life and laughing out loud all our challenges.
We grew closer after my grandfather passed away. She often listened to me and support me in anyway she can.
Once, I got into a fight with my brother and got a bleeding head (that’s why my mom put us in Taekwondo), she dragged my Uncle in the middle of the night together and send me to a doctor whereas my own family “ignored” me.
And vice-versa. When her family “ignored” her and she felt lonely, she confided in me.
Few months before my wedding, I was in the Netherlands. I had a strong premonition that she was going to die. Me and my Mother visited her and get to say our last goodbyes.
She passed away while doing her isya prayer peacefully.
Through out the years…it was tough letting her go.
And today, I thought of her wondering if she is beside me.
Just in time, the rain arrived and grace me with its presence.
And this tune by P.Ramlee entitled Hujan/Rain (famously sung by a legendary Malaysian Singer) kept popping up in my head.
The lyrics were something like this :
“Wait for awhile, my love.Wait till the rain stop.Let me sing you a tune.Don’t think of someone far away.
Don’t go home
Don’t leave me alone
Wait for awhile, my love.
(Pardon my language. This is the simplest translation I did from Malay to English. But nevertheless, it speaks volumes about how I felt now.)
Was it coincidence? I don’t believe in that but I do believe in synchronicity.
I don’t really fancy this tune. It’s sad but appropriate.
Whenever i think of my departed loved ones, I send her/them my Quran recitations and supplications in hope they can help and bless her/them wherever she/they may be.
Eid was never the same without her. I never truly enjoyed celebrating Eid till this day without her by my side.