We don’t own our kids. Just because we gave birth to them, clothe them, feed them, educate them etc… does that mean they owe us? Or we own them like some kind of material stuff? (Yes in some religion, paradise lies in the feet of the Mother-but does that mean, we own them and can control their lives to follow our every whim and order? Who are we? God?)
It’s a blessing to be a parent. An honourable responsibility….
In fact, in many ways there are our “Teachers” to remind us of many things we have forgotten.
Our role as their parents is to guide them the best we can.
So how do you “parent” your kids? Do you use fear or love as the base of your every action? Do you use pain or pleasure for motivation?
Yes I agree fear base motivation which is pain can create fast response and change but it leave “marks” which might take years and may extend to their adulthood to heal fully.
Whereas Love base motivation which is pleasure often focus on the good side including positive words and encouragement. The good actions are enlarged and complimented on to encourage repetitive good behaviour pattern.
And the not so good behaviour will be discussed in a calm manner between parent and child after all emotions have been addressed (like tantrums, anger management etc).
Not easy to handle because as adults sometimes we were too stressed up in our adult lives that we bring back work matters alongside frustrations to our home.
Thus in moments like this, we cannot think rationally and might resort to the fastest “remedy”-scolding, caning, punishment etc
Whereas the children just want your attention. They wanted Love. They want to be heard and be seen. They want to know that they matter. That’s it.
And that brief moment of rage though may seem “harmless” but once it’s out, the harm is already done.
Kids are sensitive. They can feel everything with their being. They can understand the invisible and read more than between the lines. Because they are connected to themselves and their surroundings. Adults were the ones who forgot.
I was once that parent from hell. I was having trouble parenting two kids while the other partner seems to be dormant. Since my kids are boys, took upon myself to discipline them harshly because I thought sons needed that “hard love” and discipline.
It reflected back upon my childhood that I was given the “hard love” and I assume my sons deserve more than what was given to me.
And also watching how my late grandparents dote on their sons more than their daughters, taught me to toughen my kids up to be more independent and selfsufficent.
Because i felt that those men whom were doted by my grandparents were a bit “soft”. Pardon my observations. I saw that the women who got less love and attention, took on more responsibilities and solve their own issues but the men seems to have their woes trail back to their parents for solutions.
…and so i decided that, i want my sons to be warriors. To be tough and independent. To be able to handle themselves in the world ine day…
Well, as i learn more on personal development, i learn that was one of the biggest mistakes i’ve made.
I truly regretted my actions. I acted upon whim of frustrations and overwhelming responsibilities that I thought I had to handle alone.
I was afraid, if I was not harsh enough, they won’t be good men. They might stray etc
I was wrong. My harsh punishment took away some of my eldest vibrant personality. He became extra introverted often apologise if anyone trot on his shoes. I felt like I’ve taken something important from him.
And it took me years to heal myself and him.
I’ve told myself to never let myself be the parent from hell just to make angels out of kids…
If they acted out and be disobedient then, isn’t it time to look into the mirror ourselves?
Kids don’t listen much but they observe well.
And rest assured whatever happens will definitely comes around. It’s a cycle of life.
Love triumphs everything. It’s never too late to start parenting your child with love.