My parents bring the last lessons of the year…
Lessons of LOVE.
I am a fast learner but I learn faster if I watch role models.
I’ve grown through phases of love after I said YES to Love last year.
From soulmates to karmic and even deep but short powerful immersion experiences of twin flame love that bring about the good, the bad including dark nights of soul and the awesome (glimpses of ecstasy of pure unconditional love that only happens with Divine intervention).
My mom and step dad recently visited me and celebrated their 21 years of loving soulful marriage.
Our family of travellers see each other once or twice annually but when we do meet, we bring each other powerful lessons that help each of us grow individually and as a family.
My Mother was happy to see me but instead of asking me -Did you pray, did you eat etc she asked me-Are you getting married?
She glowed with much enthusiasm that I rather not meddle with her “light”. And I muttered yes feebly.
She grew ecstatic and wondered who the lucky man is.
Over the years-She has listened to me and my voyages of stories on my love encounters with men of the world.
And lately as I immerse deeper into my inner being growth and discovery which includes deep healing of the soul and heart, I found out that I do not wish to get married.
Because of that “blockage”, my love stories always ended before it’s full maturity. It never gets to ripen itself and fully bloom into a fruit.
I do wish and hope but deep down, I never wanted to share my life with another soul.
The reason being I no longer wish to complicate my simple life as a single mom. I am happy having the freedom of doing things my own way and fly wherever whenever I wish to.
Being married to someone, I’m not just marrying him. It’s a deep soul connection and commitment not just him but with his family as well.
And of course that means intermingling body, heart,mind and especially soul. How about karmic? That opens up a whole new world…
My past experiences with a “new married family” was not that great. I was naive and had no boundaries. I did not even love myself. I craved for approval and was begging for morsels of love. I was willing to “sacrifice” myself for others. I don’t understand love back then and now I’m relearning.
Although my Mother did not go through the vast learning experiences of this modern world like personal development courses, seminars, camps and such…I suspect she is already “enlightened” by life experiences.
And so this time she was determined to get to the bottom of my “avoidance of marriage.”
She knew that without that door opened, I will not commit.
I watched my Dutch step dad (I don’t like to use the word step for he is already accepted as my real dad but this is to explain the story in this blog) lovingly strapped her shoes before they walked hand in hand in the streets.
This humble man fought hard through out the years for their love. Both of them were determined to be together regardless of what families and societies said. Eventually they succeed.
I watched them now remembering their years of challenges and my tears flowed in gratitude. For God has indeed fulfilled our wishes in granting a great man-awakened and conscious man for my strong mom and to be a part of our loving family.
My Mother and me have always been close and our relationship is very strong. We connect with and without words.
I learnt the art of intuition from her. We are more like sisters, kindred souls and Mother-Daughter role which interchangeable in every part of our journey together. Even when we live continents apart, we can detect each other’s wellbeing just through our intuition.
I had many aha-moments with her as we chat intimately. This time, she helped to heal this part of me I was ashamed to face. Marriage.
Marriage felt like a major failure to me. And I felt that I cannot go through it again no matter how amazing the man was.
I’ve been through lots, working hard on my inner being. Pulling out the knots of insecurities and challenging my own vulnerabilities.
My kids, they deserve they best. I am more focus on life experiences that can mould them into better beings.
Which part of my life has time and energy and love for another soul?
My mother understood me for she was a single mom for 10 years before she gave herself permission to remarry.
She said-“You think you have to handle everything on your own. Let the man handle it with you. Let him take good care of you. I believe as much as you have “grown”, he too has grown and is equipped to live life merged with you.”
Hmm… I pondered.
“I know you have many interests from many men. Because you are beautiful and strong not just outside but especially on the inside. That’s the gift you have for him.
I believe that man who is worthy of you is searching for you, now. He already knows you. He is already connected to you. Have faith. Trust. Look at your dad. He was willing to do anything so that we unite. So can your future man.
You self-sabotage your relationships not because you are afraid they hurt you, no… you are stronger than that.
You fear you hurt them. And so you run every time. Trust that the man meant for you can “handle” whatever that you are. He is much stronger than you think. God always pairs the best people together. Trust and have faith.
I know you have someone in mind. I can feel it. Let down your wall. Let him come in. He will find you because you have already found yourself.
I’m proud of you for doing things I never knew possible.
I’m proud that you are courageous to make your own life your own way in spite of what the world might think of you.
I may not agree with some of your ways but I’ve always supported you with love and trust God will guide you, always.”
At this moment, I cannot say anything… my heart went “weepy” on me.
I surrendered my moment to what she said. For she is one of my best soul mirrors. She is my soulmate, my mentor, my teacher, guide, Love luminary, role model and all sorts meshed into one. I wouldn’t be where I am without her.
I learnt much about life from what I observed from her. I knew her strength and courage is what kept me going. And I grew in that as well.
Whether I eventually will marry or not…
Single or duo…being
One or two souls unite…
I slowly bring down that fence I “nailed” on marriage.
If marriage is for the highest good of all, for all parties concerned (especially me, him and including my kids) then I leave it all to you.
Help me create the most beautiful love relationship, life partnership and soulful marriage…. a union of body, heart, mind and soul of two beautiful loving souls who are constantly learning (and unlearning), growing, living, debunking myths of love and life together hand in hand and remembering their true essences and also spreading their soul missions of love together.
If not, give me everything that i need including the strength, joy, peace and love to continue being my happy self on my own and traveling the world…sharing my Mission of love.
And so it is… done.
I love you.