Ok, i guess, i have replied to most of the emails and letters and noticed some very repetitive questions.
So to include everyone else in the curiousity world, i answer these here…
At first, i was battling whether I should or should not reveal…cos of varied reasons and mainly what will “everyone”s perception of me, be? Then I thought…long and hard and I thought-So what? What they think of me, is none of my business!
I have to let go of this dream, and to let go, i have to let go what’s bottling inside.
I wanna let God take over…(its not easy doing this alone)
So I hope you get to see this “raw” part of me …
(which I wrote…mostly in tears…) and im not sure whether this is the right place (www.theworldisinyourmind.com seems more appropriate)…
Why did you travel around the world on ur own?
It was not intended that way.
I imagined my own crew like minded, integrity, positive, fun and have the same dreams as me or at least on the same path…to be with me every step of the way…
But the 2 years (or more) of going thru the grueling path of struggle and facing many people of various productions locally and internationally, (and not forgetting many muslims and halal companies) i began to grow tired. All talk and no work makes me dull,exhausted,bittered and ….very,very bored.And my passionate enthusiasm is slowly evaporating…
I thought my ticket to the world is by having my own show. I thought that will open up the possibility of my dream being fulfilled.I see myself socialising happily with people of myriad ethnicity and cultures-1st,2nd or 3 rd world countries…being with people of the world in tears n in joy…and to make it more believable-i imagined myself shaking hands with Bourdain, Ian Wright, Andrew Zimmern, Samantha Brown….etc…
But then, after going thru a series of unsuccessful “discussions” and many people telling me:-all kinds of excuses:
We believe in you and your dreams but….
The audience are not ready for you.
We don’t have confidence in you.
you are not good enough
We do not want to encourage the lifestyle of gluttony.
But you are a girl, a Muslim….
You are all covered up…
Nobody knows you…
The world of tv (fame) will crush/kill you..
And many more….
And sometimes, my ideas were taken and used without my knowledge, but it’s ok….I believe ideas are meant to be shared and inspire creativity. And if u give it to others unconditionally (in this case, let go n forgive them) insyaAllah God will replace them with a much better idea..(Like how Walt Disney was “betrayed” in his first cartoon character).
Side note: I have negotiated in many ways than one.I even asked to be included in any role-even from the lowest role or behind the curtains or even be the assistant(make coffee or something) and i even proposed “partnerships n collaborations” with people of same interests …as long as I learnt something in this tv production” path so that I can move forward in manifesting my dream….but everyone said no.
Then I reflected….the blessings in every experience.
It was not meant to be. I shouldn’t have lowered my standards nor my expectations. I should be who I am. Yes! I am different.(and like what Katy Perry said-Thank you for believing in my weirdness!I thank all fans n readers for the same reason.)
If they cannot accept me for who I am then, I shall knock another door, and the next till….someone does….meanwhile, i should never degrade myself for others. (have u read about Sylvester Stallone and Colonel Sanders (KFC founder) stories?? How many “doors” did they knock before someone believes and gives them a chance?)
Of course all these “No-s” hit me hard and bloody…but….
My vision,my dreams are the only one that keeps me sane right now, if u only knew what im going thru…
And then, one day it hit me….
I am enough!
I have all that i need to travel the world, so why don’t I just do it?
So what if no one believes you can do it? So what if they think you are not worthy? So what if they think, you are not good enough?(some of the world’s famous n successful people are not the best in their fields but because they believe in themselves when no one does) But I…absolutely believes-I can do it…and i will do it!
I set my intentions with God, tell my family and go.
Alhamdulillah God has given me abundance in the shortest time possible and best of all ….time is on my side…its now or never…
So with my family blessings, i packed my bag n left.
Never looked back and just move forward…
How do u feel at first?
Of course, i felt scared….but i left everything in God’s hands…and be positive and open.
So did u ever regret doing it?
No, I have no regretted anything…
Good or bad,everything has a blessing and a lesson to be learnt.
What is one of the most important thing that U have ever learnt?
I learnt that whatever I’m facing and attract actually depends on what and how I’m feeling inside….and my subconscious beliefs..either limiting or not…plays a major role. So I have to learn to get to know myself upclose and personal….be my own bestest friend…and trust God in everything.
No one sponsored you or paid u for ur travelling expenses, Have you ever thought about the money U have spent on travelling and that you might never get it back?
This is my passion. It’s my own investment on my own self and net-worth.
The experiences that I have gained are definitely priceless. Im doing it not because i can get something in return but Im doing it because this is me.It makes me happy.And i hope to contribute to the world (big or small) by sharing whatever that i have learnt n experience.
If given the chance again, i will do it again and again and again…..This is what I love . I am also doing it because i believe anything is possible. And I am definitely worth it!(every penny, every experience, every tears, every blood n pain n every joy n friendships n every love , every abundance, every emotions felt, everything!!!!)
I am definitely worthy of my dreams!
For every No-s that I received, before I depart from every meetups/discussion or whatever…
the funny thing is, each and everyone of them said with conviction-
We know U r gonna make it big…but not now…
( i thought it was a polite way of saying-although U suck, don’t stop dreaming.but then, i watched Katy Perry movie (unplanned really) n wonder why did the big guys keep her in their record company “hostage” when they knew she is gonna be a mega star?Why didnt they help her or if they don’t know how …at least help her by introducing her to others who can help her fulfil her dreams?hmm…
And somehow, I felt the same way she did….and begin to understand it now…)
So, what’s next?
I’m gonna let go and trust…
Everything shall be unfolded perfectly for me….InsyaAllah.
P.s:It was never about the money, fame or …..
My intentions are beyond my imaginations….
If only i can let u see what i see in my vision….n dreams….
By the way,
Happy Birthday to me…and to all the gorgeous Virgos of the world!
The gift of curiosity is what I gift-wrapped and present to myself.