Claim my true self.

My Article for Eve Speakz
Confessions from the heart: Don’t judge me. This aint easy for me.
For the past few days, it has been a whirlwind of events.Mindboggling and transforming.I have realised my real pain,fear and pleasures.My emotional burden tag to money and others.As mentioned, I am constantly learning….I am a student of life.

And in order for me to take that leap of faith to the next wonderful chapter of my life,I have to do this.I have to get over this fear.The fear of being Me.And in order to do that,I have to own my greatness.The greatness of being me as a whole.I can no longer hide.It has been too long and too dark,all alone. Now,I choose to go out of the darkness and embrace the light.

Who was i?
Coming out of “retirement”….

I had been a homemaker for more than a decade. I chose to be a homemaker to create a wonderful family and fulfilled my responsibility to the fullest as a wife and a mother.But I did not realised that I was also “retiring” from the world.My peers are mostly different from me.They did not marry as early neither do they have kids as early as me.They were more focussed on career.Since we each have different mindsets, we departed from each other lives. As a homemaker,I can safely say,it was not easy for me.If you know me well enough,I am an extrovert,always active with fun activities and an outdoor person.

But nevertheless,I was committed.My only friends were my kids.I was there every single part of their life.And since my parents live in Europe,I was always alone with my kids.I thought that was normal for a homemaker.I did what i think its best to be the bestest wife and mother in life and hereafter.

My world revolved around my hubby and kids.I was there 24×7 everyday for them but I had forgotten about the most gorgeous being…myself.I had neglected Me.I had forgotten about my dreams and my existence.I was like a candle,burning myself to the ground for everyone else except myself.Again, I thought that was normal.I thought that come with the designation of being a homemaker.I thought its a choice I had to bear since I chose this path.

One day,I cannot wake up.Everything was spinning rapidly whenever I get up.Luckily my parents were on holiday and were here to help me.It took me 2 months to recover.I found out that I did not take good care of myself after every birth and overworked.I neglected to eat proper nourishing meals and vitamins.

For once in my life,I had the chance to rest.I began to be aware of the NOW.I looked at myself and my surroundings.That was when I started to think about ME.And awareness began to develop. When I recovered,I cannot even recognise the woman in the mirror.I looked old and overweight. My eyes no longer sparkle and there was no passion or zest of life in me.Who have i become?What has happened?

I was dying everyday..and I did not know that.And I want to gain control of my life again.
And so I started to “socialise”. I began opening up the inner voice that has been awaiting to be unleashed. I started blogging.

As soon as I began to embrace life,Life embrace me in return.I started tuning in to my passion.I went back to travelling.

And as my blog grew in popularity,I became more confident of who I am..continue doing what I love.And during my peak of popularity, my life crashed.

I was divorced.I cannot make sense of it all.I did the best I could.No one knew what happened because I believe in keeping marriage secrets be secrets.My sanity was just hanging by a thread.Again,I was lost.
 

I cannot seek answers inside and around me.I was afraid and I ran.I ran and ran and ran.Yeah,that was when the world tour (27 countries within 16 months)came in.

Being a divorcee seems a “taboo” a stigma in my society and everyone I knew seems to be avoiding me and I felt like a broken toy,thrown in trash. I became ashamed,desperately embarrassed of who I had become.I felt like a failure in comparison to friends who succeeded in the career path and also those who are have a loving family.I was also angry at God.I thought i did everything that He asked me to.I thought I was a good person and this should not happen to me.I had been playing “safe” all this while…so that life can be simple and easy.But why do I have to fell into the deep ditch?Why?Why?Why?

I went out to the world, seeking answers.I know I should be seeking the answers within but then, at that moment…it was a blanket of thick fog.I was suffocating.I was dying rapidly every second.I need to get away.

I left everything.My parents (Thank u so much!)came back to care for my kids.I left my blog that has been a big success on hold.Everyone who saw the big opportunity and wish to work with me in business was left stranded(i am very sorry!).I took everything down and left because I felt unworthy.
I learnt lots when travelling the world.I was still ashamed and embarrassed of who I am, I kept my “identity” a secret.The people I had met everywhere has been an anchor of faith.Somehow, they taught me to see things in different light and perspective.

When I came back,I was back to my old conditioning.It was because I was alone.My parents had to return for some work commitments. And slowly the light that I had learnt disappear slowly throughout the days.

In my head, this” identity of mine “creates my own world of limitations.The belief is…
I am a single mother of 2 kids.I had “retired” from the world for more than a decade.I am homeless too.

My speech are child-like(the only friends I have are my kids) and I was scared that I will be left behind in the world of abundance and success because I had no knowledge whatsoever in creating money,wealth and success.Knowing my dramatic isolated gap of nonworking years and experience and also I cannot go back to workforce (because I learnt the freedom of time when i was a homemaker and as mentioned,I cannot sit still in office or in any permanent location for long).

I am doom..(or so I thought)I have zero knowledge on everything outside of my room and everyday acts like a burden whereas I should be celebrating my freedom and new found identity.

And as my suffocation grew and grew.I was still fearful to ask for help.I was adamant not to tell anyone of my “divorcee” status. I was scared and terrified.
 

One day, recently…i cannot take it.If i keep mum any further,I might go insane. That was when,I decided to ask for help. I became BIGGER than my challenges.I tell everyone I knew (even those whom I met in my world tour).And as I came out of the darkness, my heart felt lighter and lighter.I was not alone.I chose to be alone and the fear grew out of proportion and nearly engulfed me.

I was so afraid of uncertainties of the future that I had forgotten to embrace the abundance now…In fact,everything is uncertain.Even if you have a billion dollars in your bank n your life seems “secure”  now,you still do not know what’s going to happen in the next minute, hour…or even tomorrow.

So everything was created in the mind….
To grow, we have to be uncomfortable, we need to get out of our comfort zones. I know God has a much bigger plan for me. And I know everything happens for my highest good.I am thankful.
When i fell flat on my face,I looked up and see the clear blue sky.I realized…it is vast and limitless. Then I asked myself….

“What will I do if I knew there is no such thing as failure?”
That was when I realized….my deep seated intentions embedded within me.
I want to live my dreams and at the same time enlighten,inspire n empower the world to do the same.

Why?
Because everyone deserve the bestest in life.

So this is ME.This is my journey.I hope I can shed some light to your own journey with my experiences.I am learning to be a life coach and entrepreneur.I want to be successful in all aspects of life-Mentally,Emotionally,spiritually (religion),Physically (wealth,health etc)and at the same time enlighten,inspire and empower myself and the world to live our dreams.

Remember, you are not alone.So don’t choose to be alone.

I am here for you. We (look around you, there are people who love you very much) are here for you.

I love me. I love you.

Happiness in the being,
Lina Masrina

P.s: Don’t get me wrong.My ex-hubby is a good person and we are still good friends.

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